I have come to a realization that something needs to change... I don't know what or if i'm going to make the right decisions, but it has to be better than what is going on now. The only feelings i have at this moment are chaotic. I want to feel free, independent. Certain people in my life are tearing me down. and i have to rise above this.

I always plan on changing and doing the right things because i know what will help or at least i think i know. But it is so hard trying to do things on your own! Even just thinking about things and planning things on your own. I want someone to tell me what they think is right in my situation. I do listen. I do take good advice. But not if none is given.

I'm just so sick of being angry at everyone. And the only thing that helps that is being around people i really love and that i know care about me. And right now i feel like i'm stuck in a house of hatred and i can't handle it anymore. I'm leaving! I'm done!

A New Day

So yesterday was rocky, and for no rhyme nor reason. It just sucked. I was all emotional and didn't really feel like anyone wanted me... it didn't help that my boyfriend was irritated and didn't have any desire to comfort me... everything i said/did was wrong. I basically felt useless.

Lately i haven't had any idea what i wanted to do with my life. I'm so unsure even now. And yesterday i kind of went off the edge. At work: I was okay but still useless, my coworkers pissed me off, i had to leave the area and as soon as no one was in sight i started sobbing. Once again for no reason.

This wouldn't be so hard if i just had one friend who didn't need to understand whats wrong. Who just saw this sad hurt little girl and comforted her with no questions asked. I wish my boyfriend would be that person, doubt he'll even read this if i don't say anything to him about it... i love him so much, but i don't know what to do!

I went jogging today, it felt good. My lungs hate me now, but it'll be fine one day. Theres so many things i've tried to tell myself to do. "exercise daily, don't smoke, drink water, put the fuck en cheeseburger down!" my will is weak, but its getting stronger with each breath. I need a support, a partner in crime to tell me i can do it! It's hard to try and make it on my own... my family has given up on me. My friends are off and on... i have no stability, except for my job. The one good thing going for me right now.

And yet, i still smile. I wish i did more! I'm trying i wish people could see how hard i'm trying, but fuck them. I have come to realize the only person i can count on is myself. I have been through everything with myself. So ya know what i give up! On everyone! except me... you don't want to care? fine don't... but except the favor! I'm sick, I'm tired of being shut out! I win! You lose! I'll be the best friend you'll ever lose! I can't care anymore... it takes two to tango! I'm on my own!

It will all be okay. I can give up on all your fuckers. What is it to me? I still haven't given up on me... so fuck it!

I'm not sad anymore. I'm not angry. I refuse to shed tears over the same shit. It's done. I will not live like this... enslaved to sadness.

Today is a good day...
tomorrow will be better!

Help

Among the colors
Their lies a shade more sinister
More ruthless
Than any
It surrounds
It engulfs
It eats
At my insides
I want to let fall
The tears swelling
But why?
Where are the answers
Why does it eat
It's prey lies nowhere in my heart
Why?
The world spins
My love is there
Same as always
Nothings changed
But still it feeds
All i want is to love
To feel love
But this torturous beast feeds
I kick and scream
It can't have me
But how to kill it
How to end it
When the reasons are so unclear
Help me
I will not surrender to it
Help me
Master
Transform this
I cant do it alone

Lyrics To Clrk Gable by The Postal Service. Insanly accurate to my life.

I was waiting for a cross-town train in the London Underground
when it struck me
that I'd been waiting since birth to find a love that would look and sound
like a movie
so I changed my plans, I rented a camera and a van
and then I called you
I need you to pretend that we are in love again
and you agreed to

I want so badly to believe that there is truth
and love is real
and I want life in every word
to the extent that it's absurd

I grease the lens and frame the shot
using a friend as my stand-in
The script had called for rain, but it was clear that day
so we faked it
The marker snapped and I yelled, "quiet on the set!"
and then called, "action!"
I kissed you in a style Clark Gable would have admired
I thought it classic

I want so badly to believe that there is truth
and love is real
and I want life in every word to the extent
that it's absurd
I know you're wise beyond your years
but do you ever get the fear
that your perfect verse is just a lie
that you tell yourself to help you get by

that you tell yourself to help you get by...

The Devil

The tempting smile, the alluring touch could lead you to a place of darkness, of self- hatred. But Fuck it right! All the matters is now! All that matters is you! The ones that care about you the most, stuck waiting for you to decide if you want to go the path of eternal sorrow. But will it be sorrow? Maybe you have hope for something more than sadness, something more than suffering, something more! But will the devil bring you this? Will his tempting ways in fact, give you more? I don't know. This is a choice your going to have to make, yourself, alone. No one can choose the path you lead. no one can force you to turn right, when your heart says left. Just take what you feel is necessary. But remember the hearts you burn on the way.

We walk through darkness
It turns to light
We shiver through the cold bitter wind
But smiles remain
Laying with the dead we reminisce
The wants our hearts lie before us.
I challenged my heart to make a choice
Deciding it does not.
How selfish, this person I've become
A Lying hypocrite
I'm engulfed in flames
I don't know where they started and don't know when they'll end
He won't just let me die
I lie here burning but my skin never rots
I feel the sting
the constant discomforting position
I try to roll, run, douse myself with water
Nothing
These flames come not from the ground
Nor from the devil
They come from the hole in my heart
I can stop them
But i must believe
HELP me BELIEVE!!!

Bored

I'm becoming that whore i never knew!
I'm growing and twisting into that bitch!
She held my throat as i screamed for air,
she shunned my feelings as she ripped my hair!
Let me GO!
You whore!
But still i stand in her shadow!
Still i blame others for my faults,
Still i whore myself for happiness.
This life will never be free of that cunt!
I look in the mirror and i see her eyes.
There deep, there dark, they feel so empty, angry.
I look away.
She's not gone.
The darkness floats above my head
The treachery of her words, form around my lips,
Manipulation fills my soul.
Oh, well!
I'm happy being a bitch!

I have Fallen

You Win!
I took this heart and wrapped it tight so you could not puncture it
I sought a life, not of yours to unwrap it to
But some lives seem worthy, but fall short of this worth
He thought he was great, he thought he was everything in my eyes
But to this day he shows not caring for the tears i've shed, my blood thats bled
I want to hate, i want to stomp the life out of his face.
I want him to bleed i want him to hurt
To shed one tear of remorse.
He'll get his.
I know this very true.
And I'll get mine for what i do.
For the hurt i caused not just you but myself.
It eats away.
I can't ask you to love me for what i did.
But please do.
Nothing seems right, like a puzzle shoved in the wrong place.
Nothing seems real, a constant skewed water painting.
I'll throw it away.
It's gone.
Hope your happy!

Contn'd Past Glance

It is not good to assume.

After the Ignati was shoved away from our promise land, she returend to her Clan that she had betrayed. The Clan of Ignatius did not take well to betrayers. She was scheduled to be hung.

We had heard news of it, and as much as i did not want to we could not let any race get murdered. This was my fault so i told Nero to stay back, I would make this journey alone.

It was harder going this time than the first. The cloud of grey hung lower than usual. I didn't think i could do this. Why do i care if this Ignati was killed. She was no companion of mine.

I had reached the entrance. My skin trimbled. The crowds around the Clan Square were roaring. The smoke filled my lungs, my eyes stung. I saw the betrayer approach the nuce. I must make hast. Her eyes fell upon me, she knew i was here to save her. She knew i made a mistake.

I pulled the knife from my robe. i slowly made my way to the back of the square. slowly and quietly. The sweat dripped down my spine. I was on enemy lines. The nuce was already around her neck, i had to act. I jumped up. at this point i didnt care if i was noticed. I could hear her gagging. the knife shot through the rope and she fell. i pulled her up and ran. They were right behind us. They wanted us both dead. You dont walk on the Ignatius land without being slain. But we ran. For the first time in awhile i ran without fear. We had approached the gates to exit. I heard a sound of whizzing through air. A pain shot through my leg. I was hit, by an arrow.

I wasn't going to stop. I couldn't give in to this pain. We didn't slow. I had lost alot of blood and by the time we had lost the Ignati Clan i had collapsed. I layed there out of breath and out of blood. The betrayer had ripped the fabric away from the wound, and placed her hands on it. My body began to regain the energy it once had. I had passed out.

When i had awoke i was staring at Nero. He has tears in his eyes and a smile. I thought i had lost you. The betrayer walked to me. She told me that she had caused me enough pain. She had heard of a land of Gosclo, where she would be free of her Ignati blood. I wished her farwell.

But i knew the fight was not over!

A past glance

A few days ago: (i can not recal a date)

The day was good, my partner, Nero, and i had been enjoying one of those occasional sunny days, but than he informed me that he had befriended an enemy. I was horrified at first. Was he betraying his loalty to the Gilah Clan? He explained to me that this follower of the Ignatius Clan had betrayed her own. She wanted to join forces with us to stop them. I accepted. During the next couple days, i had felt like a rain cloud had forced itself over my head. We had set a date to meet this past Ignati.

That day had come. We traveled far, and hard. To seek this new recruit. As i suspected she had the Ignati stance. I forced myself to be okay with accepting this scum. The travel back was hard. We picked up a stranded Baldric. Nero had had many words with him before, so we decided it was safe. We walked further, seemed like it took days. A storm was approaching and the day had not even yet begun.

The lands that we walked were far from safe. Finally we made our way to the Sumtine lands, this was a safe-haven for travelers. We rested and mostly kept quiet. But it seemed we had to keep moving to make it to our destination, the lands of Gilah.

We took many stops.

We had finally reached the entrance to Gilah, but the Ignati had stopped. I knew it was going to be trouble. She said nothing only stared at the entrance. The Baldric just stood there. Nero decided to see why she had stopped. I stood awaiting the answer. But none had come, only shifty eyes met mine.

I called out to the Ignati to stay back. It was a mistake bringing her to our sanctuary. She was that, an enemy, her blood pumped of Ignatius fuel. To kill to destroy anything Gilah related.

She left.

Nero had nothing to say to me. His disappointment hurt. But i only know what i know. I only feel the truth. I cannot stand to let Gilah be destroyed.

Never!

Be Brutally Honest

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF:
» I committed suicide:
» I said I liked you:
» I kissed you:
» I lived next door to you:
» I started smoking:
» I stole something:
» I was hospitalized:
» I ran away from home:
» I got into a fight and you weren't there:

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY:

» Personality:
» Eyes:
» Face:
» Hair:
» Clothes:
» Mannerisms:

WHAT ABOUT US:

» Who are you?
» Are we friends?
» When and how did we meet?
» How have I affected you?
» What do you think of me?
» What's the fondest memory you have of me?
» How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
» Do you love me?
» Have I ever hurt you?
» Would you hug me?
» Would you kiss me?
» Would you fuck me?
» Are we close?
» Emotionally, what stands out?
» Do you wish I was cooler?
» On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
» Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
» Am I loveable?
» How long have you known me?
» Describe me in one word.
» What was your first impression?
» Do you still think that way about me now?
» What do you think my weakness is?
» Do you think I'll get married?
» What about me makes you happy?
» What about me makes you sad?
» What reminds you of me?
» What's something you would change about me?
» How well do you know me?
» Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
» Do you think I would kill someone?
» Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?

December 22, 2007

Christmas is for Losers

So it's 3 days before Christmas, and i have no money, well actually negative money, and i have a feeling that i'm going to be sad, because every year i wake up and i'm sad! Don't know why, i just am! Theres always just one thing i want! But somehow i know that will be screwed up! I'm just destined to be sad on Christmas!

I can't understand why i am so dissatisfied with everything. What do i want!?!? Someone tell me what will fulfill my needs and wants. I know what i think will make me happy....but will it really. I feel like i'm a drug user. I take my drugs i think will make me happy, but in all reality its making things worst in the long run!

Being bipolar is so much worst than being depressed. It's like people who know only one thing so they aren't missing anything! Except the idea. For me i know how good it feels to be happy. How much energy i have. How high above life i am. I know how good laughing feels. So when i suddenly switch to depression mode, i'm like fuck! i Hate my life. I feel like the happy will never come back!

Come back Happy!
Britny