I have come to a realization that something needs to change... I don't know what or if i'm going to make the right decisions, but it has to be better than what is going on now. The only feelings i have at this moment are chaotic. I want to feel free, independent. Certain people in my life are tearing me down. and i have to rise above this.

I always plan on changing and doing the right things because i know what will help or at least i think i know. But it is so hard trying to do things on your own! Even just thinking about things and planning things on your own. I want someone to tell me what they think is right in my situation. I do listen. I do take good advice. But not if none is given.

I'm just so sick of being angry at everyone. And the only thing that helps that is being around people i really love and that i know care about me. And right now i feel like i'm stuck in a house of hatred and i can't handle it anymore. I'm leaving! I'm done!

A New Day

So yesterday was rocky, and for no rhyme nor reason. It just sucked. I was all emotional and didn't really feel like anyone wanted me... it didn't help that my boyfriend was irritated and didn't have any desire to comfort me... everything i said/did was wrong. I basically felt useless.

Lately i haven't had any idea what i wanted to do with my life. I'm so unsure even now. And yesterday i kind of went off the edge. At work: I was okay but still useless, my coworkers pissed me off, i had to leave the area and as soon as no one was in sight i started sobbing. Once again for no reason.

This wouldn't be so hard if i just had one friend who didn't need to understand whats wrong. Who just saw this sad hurt little girl and comforted her with no questions asked. I wish my boyfriend would be that person, doubt he'll even read this if i don't say anything to him about it... i love him so much, but i don't know what to do!

I went jogging today, it felt good. My lungs hate me now, but it'll be fine one day. Theres so many things i've tried to tell myself to do. "exercise daily, don't smoke, drink water, put the fuck en cheeseburger down!" my will is weak, but its getting stronger with each breath. I need a support, a partner in crime to tell me i can do it! It's hard to try and make it on my own... my family has given up on me. My friends are off and on... i have no stability, except for my job. The one good thing going for me right now.

And yet, i still smile. I wish i did more! I'm trying i wish people could see how hard i'm trying, but fuck them. I have come to realize the only person i can count on is myself. I have been through everything with myself. So ya know what i give up! On everyone! except me... you don't want to care? fine don't... but except the favor! I'm sick, I'm tired of being shut out! I win! You lose! I'll be the best friend you'll ever lose! I can't care anymore... it takes two to tango! I'm on my own!

It will all be okay. I can give up on all your fuckers. What is it to me? I still haven't given up on me... so fuck it!

I'm not sad anymore. I'm not angry. I refuse to shed tears over the same shit. It's done. I will not live like this... enslaved to sadness.

Today is a good day...
tomorrow will be better!